Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
