Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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