Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
