My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
