my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
