Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
