You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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