I'm gonna have a badass scar
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
