i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
