trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
