I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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