Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
