I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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