ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
