Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You ate ashes out of my bong
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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