The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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