I heard we made out
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
