Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
