I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
