The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
