He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
