My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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