just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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