I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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