1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
