in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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