He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
