Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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