You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
