Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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