you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
