yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
