I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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