i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
