The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You ruined the universe
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
