chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
