he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
