She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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