Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
