I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
