party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
