I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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