Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I need to wash the frat house off of me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
