shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
