i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
