The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
