I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
