Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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