honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
