If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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