R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
