Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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